Tesla's Dirty Little Secret

Investors just let the cat out of the bag.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

What makes something valuable? I have a little jade plant on my desk. Most people would forget to water it and let it shrivel into oblivion, but I would happily crawl through a house fire to save it. It was grown from a clipping of my grandma’s favourite plant, and it’s one of the only things I have to remember her by. You see, the value you place on something, especially when that value makes zero sense, inherently unveils a hidden truth. Why am I talking about my house plants? Well, Musk was so busy destroying the most powerful government on the planet that he accidentally let the Tesla board escape from his basement. He was able to round them up before they could find a new subject for their Stockholm Syndrome, but not before the world found out they were intending on replacing Musk. In the aftermath of this shocking event, major Tesla investors were forced to explain the value they place on Musk, and in the process, have given the whole game away.

Tesla has been dying for years now due to Musk’s questionable leadership, but recently Musk committed the equivalent act of ripping out a life support machine’s power cord so he could charge his phone and tweet (Xeet?) some heinous Nazi-adjacent slop.

I could ramble on ad nauseam about how Musk’s ego caused Tesla to massively misstep with the Cybertruck, FSD, the Cybercab and the 4680 battery — asI have done many times in the past. But, suffice to say, Musk has forced Tesla to squander their market lead and spend tens of billions of dollars and years of valuable time chasing his half-baked, moronic, and frequently impossible ideas. Meanwhile, the rest of the automotive industry was busy actually innovating and making real, tangible progress based on real-world results, not the imagination of a drugged-up, out-of-touch billionaire.

That is why Tesla’s lineup is so stagnant. Why they no longer offer the best value EVs. Why they aren’t a leader in battery technology. Why FSD is so fundamentally dangerous. Why the Cybertruck makes no sense at all. Why the Cybercab is so far behind in the self-driving race. And most importantly, why Tesla is rapidly becoming an also-ran.